I have spent much of my life trying to look like a put-together, polished, professional person. I have tried to hide any insecurities and avoided situations and conversations that make me feel uncomfortable or awkward. One of those subjects is spirituality. It feels like a touchy subject. I have qualms about bringing it up with my family, friends and strangers unless it's already been established that we are on the same page. I don't enjoy feeling awkward. I don't want anyone to see the chinks in my armor. Last year, in New Hampshire, I met a moose on the side of the road. I had always thought of the moose as a kind of funny-looking, ungainly character with a too large head, heavy antlers, a misshapen kind of body and spindly legs. Yet in reality, he was somehow majestic and dignified. He moved slowly, unafraid of the gawking spectators pulled over at the side of the road to photograph him. He eyed us with a sly smile as if he knew something we didn't. A wild animal yet no air of attack or defense around him. It turns out that as a spirit animal, the moose represents pride, confidence and strength. And even though he is somewhat bulky and awkward in his appearance, he doesn't mind. Rather, he embodies grace and elegance. That's what I saw in the moose's eyes - a calm confidence and an inner knowing: it's safe to be different. I could be like that: graceful not despite my awkwardness but because of it. What's so bad about being awkward anyway? If I take it in stride just like that moose, then it is no longer awkward. Maybe I could be comfortable being uncomfortable, being different. That's where grace is truly found.
I wonder how many decisions we make in a day... So many little choices that define our lives by their cumulative effect Yet a resolution is different With firm resolve, you decide who you are, with purpose and intention and you never look back. The New Year is a chance to decide who you are. You can decide who you are right now and forevermore. I resolved to write every day last year It didn't matter what it was or how much Even a few words counted I formed a habit and thus became a writer. There is something magical about doing something every day. Writing every day has awakened a flow in me. There is a rhythm to life, linking together the days, like a needle pulling through thread, like weaving a tapestry. It’s like the consistency of it – the habit, the practice, the routine – draws out the art. I take what the universe gives me and turn it out onto the page Whether it's silly, serious, mundane or transcendent, it all goes on the page. The act of writing is what matters - being in that flow The creative process is a conversation with the universe that never ends. I always thought of art as free-flowing and spontaneous, yet now I see it’s a discipline. It’s only in doing it that the expression can happen. We can think we are artistic, however, until we are in the act of creating, we are just observing, contemplating. Creation is active. The synthesis and the expression happens only in the doing. To think of the days, weeks, months and years that went by when I didn’t write. All that lost creativity. That’s ok because this is now. All the prior moments brought me here. I no longer wait for inspiration. I write to get inspired. I write because I am a writer. I am a writer because I write.
I still remember standing in my garage by myself in Culver City, a suburb of LA, about 3 months pregnant, and out of nowhere, feeling a quiet thud of knowing: it’s a boy. There was no element of surprise or even excitement. It’s was just like, Oh, it’s a boy. Cool. And that was that, and there was no one who could tell me different.
My son turned 12 last week, and I thought about that moment again. I realized it was the first time I remember feeling such strong intuition, a confident knowing that needed no proof.
I wonder now how many times I ignored my intuition in the years before and after that moment. How many times did I fail to trust my intuition or my feelings in favor of keeping pace with what I thought was expected of me? How many times did I keep doing something even when it didn’t feel right, or was scared to pursue a heart-felt choice because it wasn’t backed by logic? How many times did I do the condoned thing rather than the right thing for me?
Since that moment in my garage, such intuitive downloads were far and few between, or perhaps more likely, went unnoticed behind the flurry of fear-based thoughts around how to responsibly rear this little human. Pregnancy with my second child inspired a fascination with hypno-birthing which helped me better tune into my inner guidance and bodily wisdom.
And three years ago, after the birth of my third child, I happened across a new modality of energy healing called Marconics. And since then, my intuitive knowing has come to the forefront, to the point where it’s the thing I trust the most. Now, I listen for it all the time. I feel rather than think my choices. I interpret reality through my heart center more than with my thinking faculties. It feels much better, healthier, more aligned with who I really am.
I’m retracing my steps now to see where and when I decided to tune out my intuition. It must have been socialized out of me. I was praised for achievement and warned against trusting my feelings. Any choice had to be backed up by reason and logic and hard data. Feelings were nice for special occasions or intimate moments but not for making life choices.
Yet, despite social pressures, it seems that each of the births of my children have strengthened my intuitive channel. Maybe that’s why they talk about mothers’ intuition.
Sometimes my intuition feels like a sudden yet quiet download like that morning in LA. Sometimes it feels like a gradual blossoming in my heart center and takes time to fully set in. But if I stop and listen, it’s always there.
I know by the deep way it resonates in my heart that it’s the truth.
Last night after doing my self-healing exercise, I felt such a serene feeling of acknowledgement that I have always been true to myself. I have always honored and respected my true self. I have listened to her and followed my heart, even when it’s been awkward and challenging. I have chosen to nourish her and align with my higher self whenever I can. I really felt that, and it was so comforting, palpable and good to feel that connection to my soul. I am OK. I am good. Even amid all the ups and downs of life, I have stayed true to who I am in my heart. No one or nothing can ever take that away from me. Trust yourself like you want to be trusted.
Follow Your Heart
What if “Follow your Heart” didn’t mean to pursue your passion and accomplish your dreams, but to use your heart space as a guide and to BE love, be kindness, to follow your compassion, your HEART – because thats where our true purpose is.
My purpose is not some far off, Cinderella moment where I suddenly, finally embody my potential and self actualize into a warrior goddess priestess queen. My purpose is to follow my heart, to act in alignment with love in each and every moment. Just like that woman who spontaneously bought apple juice for my kids that day. It’s not a race to the finish. It’s a way of being right now. It all happens in the present because that’s all we ever have.
Choosing love over fear at every step. Walking a heart-centered path. That’s my purpose.
“Whether you become a healer or not, you will heal yourself, heal others & heal the planet just by walking the Earth plane.”Grace Elohim
Self doubt creeps in again.
Who am I to write about spirituality? People will think I’m crazy or full of myself. There are so many voices out there clamoring to be heard. Why would anyone listen to mine? How will I be heard above the fray? Do I really have anything original to say? I’m just a mother trying to make a good life for my kids, trying not to eat too much and trying to discover and fulfill my purpose. I haven’t achieved anything super impressive. I am kind of half-assing through life. I have a ton of potential but adulting and motherhood take a lot of my energy. Or maybe that’s just a lame excuse. Plenty of people have achieved great things while having kids.
I complain a lot, I struggle with money, I’m impatient with my kids, I’m full of ego, I have major FOMO, people often mistake my social awkwardness for snobbery, my interactions are rife with misunderstandings, I forget to be grateful, I’m a complete screw-up.
But maybe that’s why I’m a healer. Because I’m imperfect, broken, I have the opportunity to heal. And by healing myself, I can in turn help others to heal themselves. I have no credentials except my own brokenness. With this humble offering, I empower others to step into their pain, to embrace it, or as a wise woman said, find the beauty in the shit. In our most physical, shitty moments, that’s where the transmutation happens, where clarity shines through.
Life is not a linear line but an unfurling and stretching out, like a rose blooming. We stretch into every corner of our existence with each passing moment and new experience, feeling into the shape of ourselves.
I keep seeing and feeling flashes of former times in my life. They come through so crystal clear – more than memories. I feel just how I felt then, and then they’re gone. I saw myself as a party girl, God I was so footloose and carefree and just all these random moments of life still vibrating somewhere in my psyche, somewhere in the cloud. I love little tidbits, tiny pieces of me, my experience of myself in the world.
My life, my consciousness, just being all I am. It’s hardly linear. It’s more curved. I remember a boy named Vince in my kindergarten class. I thought it was a very exotic name. I remember he had dark hair. That’s Joe’s dad’s middle name. Coincidences and synchronicities echo through the layers of time.
Karma has us continually retracing our steps until we fully absorb the lessons we need to learn. Anyone can be our teacher – a parent, a child, a friend, a complete stranger. If we don’t recognize the lesson easily, it will have to be a traumatic or “negative” event in order to effect change. We keep going around on the wheel until we change the karmic pattern. Those lessons are things we already know but we have forgotten, and we need reminding. I always tend to think of time pressures as roadblocks, but in fact they are there for me to help me focus. If I had all the time in the world, would I ever get anything done? No, I would never get around to it because there would be no urgency. A friend reminded me of this last night.
Last night I dreamt of a friend who had betrayed me. She made a heartfelt apology to me. I forgave her and hugged her really tight. Then, I noticed Joe looking around us anxiously. We were outside at night and there were a lot of people around. It was like a downtown area. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “That’s what they said before that guy was injured.” Then he uttered some obscure phrases, and it came to me that these words were heard spoken before some kind of terrorist attack recently reported in the news. Apparently, someone had just said them in the crowd and that brought anticipation of another attack. I said, “Oh no, now you’ve said them too.” Would others hear him and grow anxious too, perhaps manifesting a self-fulfilling prophecy of terror? It was as if the words themselves had taken on the power to spread fear and violence.
Then Skylar woke me up. She had woken from a nightmare and come into our room.
As I hugged Skylar, I felt the lingering sensation of forgiveness. That was the antidote to the fear of the attack. Forgiveness sets us free from fear. We fear others because we don’t understand them. To understand is to forgive. Yet, when we forget this and don’t seek to understand or forgive, the fear can spread like wildfire. As people talk about the fearful actions, it spreads, extrapolates, unless we decide to stop it with love. That humble strength that allows us to let go and just love for no other reason than we know it’s the best thing for us – that will extinguish the fire of fear.
Maybe by forgiving my trespassers, I can be part of the cure.
All of life is a delicious paradox In the question we find the answer Truth is stranger than fiction Shadow needs light Light creates shadow Every end is a new beginning The only constant is change In every crisis lies an opportunity Faith overcomes fear Redemption requires sin Discipline begets freedom The journey is the destination In the disease lies the cure Sorrow births compassion Humility overrides pride In surrender exists power Vulnerability reveals strength Reality is an illusion And on and on This is the divine dichotomy That balances the karmic wheel In exquisite harmony
Separateness is inherent in the journey to one-ness. We need to feel into our unique-ness, our special-ness and our separateness, to experience ourselves as the center of our consciousness before we can know the truth of our one-ness. The mind and the ego are the shapes and forms we take and our vehicles on that journey. We know ourselves through relation to others. We need the fabric of our societies and families to understand “who” we are or who we think we are, and yet the knowing is in the center of our being. When we feel into that heart center, we know the truth. We are not an identity carved out in separate contrast to others, each on an individual, unfurling path. We just are. We are everyone. And the ego or our separate identity is not something to resist or resent; it’s an essential, functional experience in the journey back to Source. Perfect.